A while ago I had to write some letters for my English Pace and decided that maybe other people might have as much fun reading them as I did writing them so here they are. Enjoy!

Dear Editor,
Those of you who were agitated victims of the recent, horrid ice storm, which seemed to be threaten the beauty of Hutchinson, may be needing some fine, young loverly gentlemen to rid your recently perverted lawn of the remaining icicled shrubbery. If the afore mentioned dilemma seems deemable of your current situation then, this exciting, little article is your ticket to tranquility and peace of mind while watching TV inside your ginormious domain. If it seem good in your eyes as a prosperous person of means then all you need to accomplish is to give my fine, young, fellow, laborer Shane a quick ring at 100-000-0000 you won't be disappointed at our services of decapitated forestation removal. We prefer if the loverly folks in dire need be endowed with great material accumulation so as to be of the most profit to us two, fine, young, stewardous chaps as we tear it up in your defiled yard to make your landscape once again such as one worthy of your steadfast gaze. We wish to serve you as you serve us by making us accumulate great wealth as we take advantage of your accumulus stash of wealth.

Dear Matthew,

Thanks for leaving school till Monday. I appreciate the time away from you that you are letting me have. I was getting jealous of your popularity in the way you talk all the time and your mad womanizing skills. So I just thought I would take the loverly opportunity to thank you for letting me try to care for these young folks here at the high school while you are forced against your will to go to porta-john show. It means a lot to me to have you gone so that I am the only mature senior here at school and possibly one of the few mature students. So I want to shake you warmly by the hand from the bottom of my heart for your heartfelt, caring generosity.

Sincerely,
Steven

P.S. And another reason for writing this was because my English Pace thought it would be for me a loverly character building experience.

Pastor Ralph Osgood

422 Heritage Lane

Somerset, NJ 08873

Dear Sir:

This letter is in response to your ad about needing a part-time secretary for a Christian school. I would like to apply and hope to serve you faithfully for the next 85 years.

I am 58 years old and have much experience at any office work and I type a wicked 150 words per minute.

I will be available anytime to come by for a loverly interview, since that was my job before I retired. If you should choose me for the position I wish to serve to the utmost of my abilities, no matter how numerous they may be.

The following are people who gladly gave me permission to use their names in this letter as well as references:

Mr. Fellow Worker

Beathimup St.

Gogetem, NO 12345

Miss Ex Girlfriend

234 N. Lefther St.

Wasnot14me, CBS 03030

If you wish to correspond with me further, please give me a gingle at (111)111-1111 or write to my email at Iwishnottotellyou@nevermind.com.

Very truly yours,

Me